A podcast sharing stories of lived experience with mental illness

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In today's episode, I talk about where I have been and why I have been gone for so long; I hope you can apply some of the themes I discuss in this episode. 

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Joel Kleber:

Welcome to lived experience podcast. I'm your host, Joel Kleber. And this is where we share stories of those with lived experience on a large range of mental health topics and hope you enjoy the show. On today's episode, we've got a solo episode where I tell you where I've been for 30 days, I think you might get something out of it. So I'm happy to share my story with the open warts and all. So I hope you enjoyed today's episode. So welcome back to 2023. Guys, and thank you for tuning into the experience. And I hope you had a really good 22 And a good interview break in sort of a few days or a couple of episodes, I think we were honest and raw episodes about where I've been and why haven't been so active, especially on social media and posted anything on the account for a month and haven't done any episodes. And there's two things as to why I haven't been active. And the second one I'm going to reveal on another episode is I think that's worth unpacking, and I'll share it as a story because I think you can get a bit out of it. It's very personal to me. But I think if you've grown up in situations like mine, you completely understand. And but the first reason why I was away is because it's a really stupid reason. But you can get a bit out of it. So just hanging in there. Why? So get through the story. And there does have a good meaning at the end of it, which I think you can take a lot away from and basically what happened was I thank you first of all, thanks, everyone who left a review and comment on the show. I really do appreciate it. But I had one negative review. And it was from someone called anaphylactic. And it's in regards to my last guest, Belinda Agnew, and basically went Belinda and Joel disappointed it's an opinion that someone who has a look can weaponize blah, blah, but you have lost some respect I had during the episode. So what about the people who don't have the look yet are intelligent, interesting, committed, blah, blah, your argument is immature, and I would like to be a fly on the wall. And And if I've used TV then so I guess that a particular view on which she has, she said the view someone didn't agree that took it personally, and then decided to leave me a bad review, recommend or not recommend running but you know, wreck the rating from five star to what it was to now. 4.9, unfortunately, so when I saw that I got really, really down and you might be going oh, what a toughen up, you know, you shouldn't be taking that too seriously. But for me, it got me really, really down. Because the point of this show is I try and share personal stories, and I try and have guests on to share their stories. And I think that everyone's gonna like it, they're all everyone's gonna agree with it. And And when someone doesn't like this goes for even comments on social media, it really really gets to me so I can have you just tell you some about me, I can have 20 People say to me, fantastic, you do this good, you do this good, which happens in my work and stuff. And then one person might say something negative, and you really, really gets to me. Yeah, so I ignore the the 20 good comments. And like with all your reviews, Slark, I ignore the 21 ratings of five stars. And they're fantastic comments and really nice feedback in the one comment that doesn't go my way I get really, really down about and I didn't get really depressed though, but it just got really really shitty because I do put a lot of effort into this in regards to time, like, you know, to get all these clips made and stuff, it cost me money, I spent a lot of money on the podcast. And it really annoys me that that one segment from a guests opinion can then bring down their writing. But I really want to look at these little behaviors that we all have. So all these behaviors we have, there might be things you do in your life currently and you go Why do I do that or you want to change and you've got to get to the root of it. So there's a really good guy, which you're gonna hear me typing into the computer right now is to find his book, but Gabrielle Metallian Garrett Mutasa, addiction expert, but he talks a lot about trauma and childhood development and childhood trauma and I've been listening to a lot of his podcasts and his book and it's really really really good. And you know, when you apply it to your own life you go to ease with everything, where we are in life and our behaviors and stuff is so informed and shaped by these these childhood traumas we have and that's not to say you can use them as an excuse but they do shape who you are. So when I got this negative comment, I'm thinking well why why do I dwell so much on a negative comment out of all these positive things and always had things in my life all these good things in I forget all that but after wellness negative thing, and I came back to this to this childhood thing where I was severely bullied in school in high school. So from the age of I think when we moved from Perth wolves thing I was total 13 But I got bullied really bad by one kid from I think it was interview seven to probably end of year 11 And then they left and his name was Alex Alex Grace No, no. Um, so I don't care in saying that name. But um, this kid really really severely bullied me and what it meant that I would you know, try to be liked by everyone and I would compromise my own let's say you know my own values or beliefs to try and be liked by certain someone to try and impress them to do things so I was a really bad kid and you know, in the hopes of fitting in and all that sort of stuff and there's just to impress this one kid because he just extremely bullied me and and this came back from you know, from a whole thing of rejection as well so because my father left them all young, I've always had issues with rejection. So when someone rejects me I sort of mindset it's not just to sort of just leave it and go Well I'm so like, well, what can I do to make you like me, you know, how can I be like taking me life? So that's something a big problem or big fault that I have and it's led to a lot of some negativity and some detrimental things in my life and and when I saw that comment, I'm just sort of think why does this get to me? So I've just went through this Gabrielle Mattei stuff and like, what's the thing in my life? What's the moment in my life that happened? So Robin or psychologist and to do it? What was It is and I traced it back to this to this, this kid and this person who really severely bullied me. Now a lot of people who might listen, this might know me and go, I didn't think you get bullied in doubt would actually, quite often commented, I've told a few people about that, or they thought I was friends with this person. And you know, the whole thing, you know, keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer, that's what it really applied with this person. And the bullying was really bad. It was really psychological. Sometimes they got physical, but it was mainly psychological and what was going on in high school, it's high school, as we all know, it can be a very, very interesting time. And, you know, kids get bullied. And that's just a fact. And, unfortunately, and it's really, really tough. And what made it tough for me, and was that I had in and out who she wasn't well, so we're living in a in a house at the time, and I don't know who was paying for it, because she wasn't working. But she was on disability pension, but he had a lot of money. And, you know, this kid knew about that, too. So he needed to have enough money. And he knew my mom got, well, often times and she had bipolar, and it ended our psychiatric wards. But that didn't stop this person, he still believed me severely, and still put me down and really, really affected my self esteem and confidence, like really, really crushed me for a long time. And then, you know, all for that time, like from the ages of, let's say, 12 to, let's say, 17. Like this, while this key was at school, for whatever reason, the action I should have taught, which I don't condone, but I'm gonna tell you what would have worked because I saw it did work on this person before was when someone stood up to him basically assaulted him. So when someone punched him or kind of like punched him, or they physically assaulted him, inserted their physical dominance over this person who was smaller in stature, and he stopped, and I saw that, like, geez, I need to do this, right. But I'm not a violent person by nature. So I never did, I thought I could, I could be, you know, do all these things in cotton. You know, we play team sports and like, you know, feeding the goals all the time, and all that sort of stuff. And the more I did that, the more he picked on me, the more he deliberately tried to hurt me, despite knowing at times though periods of my mum was in a psychiatric ward. And do you think that would be an excuse to look for this person? No, he didn't. And he went even harder. So you know, this is bullying stuff that happened to me and I had another guest on if you've listened to the show, vaguely Matic, Maddie who does little dreamers, and she was telling me about her bullying experiences, while in school and off presumes more than one person or just what what you know, all this stuff we have, you know, growing up in our situations, and they have, you know, you have a parent who's mentally ill in and out of a psychiatric ward, and you get school we get bullied, like, there's no way that safe is the only place that's really safe, he's at home, and in your sleep. And the problem is sleep is you have nightmares and that sort of stuff as well. So I could never really escape it. And this went on for around probably five years. So a lot of people really didn't know it. But it was really, you know, they really, really bad psychological bullying by this by this one was one person, it got to a stage where I actually used to go to when I'll go to school, tomorrow, I'm going to school. And I would not go to school, I didn't have anywhere to go, I just stop in the middle of the bush and I just go and hide in a bush or Dave, my guitar magazines or do different things where it's a three o'clock calm, and I'd walk home. So mom never picked up on that she never knew, because I used to be able to hide things pretty well. But I was really, really slowly I used to come home and just go to my room and play guitar for hours and do other things and not want to be around anyone and this one for a long, long time. And my mom didn't know any better. And the problem is schools is you can't tell the school because you tell the school that you have a corner I think I did once or twice, maybe. But they tell the person that the kid finds out about it, and they do it even worse. So, you know, it really, really severely affected my life and it affected my life to a stage where I've never been someone you know what I have to give you a warning this is might it might offend you, but you know, contemplated a few times, you know, committing suicide when I was younger, and it wasn't something where it was a fleeting thing, like I really did, like I plan that out. I thought, you know, what, what was the best way to do it, you know, how would I do it, all that sort of stuff. And it got to a stage where I was even trying to steal their stupid kids, but like, I was even stealing an excessive amount of medicine and stuff like that, because that's what I was going to do. But it was really, really bad. And you know, and that formative years of we're trying to find out who you are and your personality, it really did shape a lot of my my adulthood, you know, low self esteem, low self confidence, and this whole thing about wanting to be liked all the time. And even now in my current role, like I have a side business and stuff and I don't want to disappoint people I don't say no to things that I should and I really get overwhelmed and that's because of this whole thing. So it's been trying to deal with the self development of this thing where I can really get that trauma out which talking about it like I'm doing now helps but just trying to really get it out my system because it really does affect your life and this will apply to your own life it'll be things in your life and circumstances in your childhood where you think you've dealt with it but you haven't at least one comment just showed to me that I haven't dealt with it so I've never really dealt with it properly because you know I want to see be seen as someone who's you know, like most people, you know, strong and got their stuff together. But this but this bullying for this five year period really, really hurt me and it really affected who I was. And the reason why it really harms me now still is because I knew what I needed to do and I didn't have the courage to do it because as I said, This person was a bit more smaller in stature and this person was a coward so it all it would have taken I can, I'm not condoning this. But this is what boys do. Right, it would have just taken me standing up and just basically punching him in the face. And he will never bullied me again, it quite frankly wouldn't have I saw, when that happened to him once by someone, he was the complete opposite and left that personal line. So I knew that's what I should have done. I never did it. And I take myself because I had five is a really, really bad unhappy times. And as I said, there were times where I did contemplate suicide. And I did wag school and my self development as a perfect person during my teenage years was really, really stunted. And it affected me in my early 20s, my mid 20s. And obviously, even now, like it still affects me. So it's something I'm telling you. Because I think in your own life, there will be things where behaviors where things get to you, you don't want to say to me so much. And you can generally trace it back to some sort of moment. Well, I think I'm not a doctor, but in your, in your childhood, some sort of trauma where that behaviors started. And it's just gotten worse and worse and worse, and it becomes a part of you. So you know, trying to work on this thing at the moment. And to watch or try and really get over it and frame it in different minds has been what I've been really trying to work on. Because as I said to you, like one comment had so much power over to me some negative comments where I didn't post anything for 30 days, like, I didn't post anything, I'm gonna do a podcast for 30 days, I question, why do I do it? All these things, you know, just over one bloody comment of someone who doesn't know me from a bar, buddy. So you know, and that's it comes down to wanting to be liked all the time. And, and this whole thing about rejection, and it comes back to this, this kid who bullied me really severely for five years, and I didn't do anything about it, we just, you know, you can't have any regrets. But like, it does make me do this day, because I knew what I needed to do. And I didn't do it. And if I did it, my life during those five years would have been completely different, I would have been far happier. And I look at what happened was that decade end up leaving the end of your living. And I ended up being the vice captain in year 12, and had a really, really good final year to school. And I remember going geez, Why the hell didn't I take action earlier and actually do something to this person, you know, because that's, that's the courageous step is the action, right? I can think about I can think about it. And then there's the courage and in my life now, I can't stand bullies. So in the workplace in life in general, as soon as I see someone bullying, my appeal from will tell you like even on the street or whatever, I want to get up and stick up for that person, I don't care if it gets physical, whatever it is, I just hate bullies, I really do. And that's because of that. So I find myself now in my work, and in other areas of my life, I'm more of a protective, I try and stick up for people, you know, and not gonna be afraid again. So but that's interesting, because I say that in regards to real life situation. But one comment online, really, really got to me, it got to me, because I can't write a reply, when you do a review, you can't reply to it, and the person hasn't put their real name and what annoys me is that I'm pretty open. So I'll put my email address and all my stuff. And if someone really wants to give me feedback, negatively, they can just email me maybe a chattel or whatever, which sometimes people do, but it really annoys me how something is in an online environment got some in our tracer city, I traced it back to this childhood bullying. And you know, that's something I've been trying to work on. Just even recently, because I know as a city, it affects me my, my real life stealing, raise, I'm telling you this because I know for a fact if you're listening to this, you might have dealt with bullying yourself or there'll be things in your life, some trauma, which you unresolved, and you'll be having behaviors in your current day life which had been as a result of this trauma. So I recommend Gabrielle motto. So it's G so Gable Moto, G, A, B, oh, Ma, te, just parchment, a Google, just watch one of his YouTube interviews for two hours, the book goes for like 16 hours, but it's really, really worth and it's really, really helped me. And I found it's, you know, something that, you know, I know, the years of my life I want to work, it's related back to this one person. And I've really got to frame it, and work around it. And the what what I found is, you know, look, this is controversial, but like, you know, I send to my opinion and bid on here because I want to be liked. So, you know, when I talk with guests, or when I talk with people, I sent them my opinion sometimes because of the city, I want to be liked. And that's something I shouldn't do because it's not really being genuine and authentic. So look the what the best way I thought, you know, I think to deal with a bully in life, you might not agree if this is the confront them face to face, I very rarely have ever seen a bully fight back when they're confronted. So this goes in the workplace, whatever, if this is an abusive boss, you know, I had in my workplace was a long a while ago, which I'm not gonna talk about too much, but it took me taking action and then things got better. You if you take action against bullies or people toxic in your life, you just take the courageous step to say enough is enough and stick up to him. They always back down. Alright, and that's why I kicked myself in the backside still to this day, because I knew that if I did that early on, you know, it would have just taken a punch in the face as an incumbent in advance. But that's what boys need to do sometimes, to just punch this person in the face, it would have made my life a hell of a lot easier. And even if it didn't, well, at least I tried to do something that the thing is I didn't stick up for myself. So that shaped me in a good way in a bad way. So now, how it shaped me is I try and protect people I try not be I don't let a bully and I try and stick up for people that I see being bullied. I had a bit of a sense of injustice in that way. Negatively how it affects me is that I want to be liked all the time, you know, I got, you know, being rejected by someone who just makes me take it real personal, I want to try and bring back that person's affection. So I do things which I probably shouldn't, like, you know, in regards to a professional environment or whatever. So, trying to work on that, but trying to keep the good stuff that I've gained from him, which has been sort of that particular attitude and that mindset where I just don't tolerate bullies, which I don't. So gab Gabler, Matej, I really recommend it. And the other thing to touch on as well, is about the benefits being changed with the recent there's a lot of news about the the 20 sessions back to 10, under the Labour government, and I, quite frankly thought that was ridiculous. I just think, you know, mental health, you know, as soon as it's that thing, you know, if that was dialysis sessions, or whatever it is, you know, imagine if you've cut back that the backlash, but mental health, I still don't think we take it seriously enough, if the government, you know, we have 20 compensated sessions, it's still not cheap, you know, you're still to cover the gap. And it's still a lot of ownership on the person to take it. But there's still the kind of down from 20 sessions to 10. Like, you're putting people's lives at risks. And I don't know if it's been changed or not, but it just just shows me like, we still got to do a lot more in this space. If you are an advocate online, if you are following the podcasts or YouTube Instagram pages, or something yourself, where you do promote this sort of stuff, just keep doing it. Because, you know, like politicians, like unfortunately, sometimes with politicians until it affects them personally, they don't really see the benefits or take really action or ownership over it. So again, say there are politicians who get psychiatric counseling or apps or see psychologists on a regular basis, but the difference is they can probably afford it. And a lot of people can't. So it's something that I was very disappointed with. And it just shows me we're going to get to keep to do a lot more things in regards to this space. And, guys, the plans for the show this year, I really need your feedback to tell me what you want in regards to do you want just more stories of people, you know, grew up the chart a pair with a mental illness? Or do you want to have psychologist or psychiatrist or what will help you is a May May doing more solo episodes is telling you stories which you can maybe learn something from or relate from? Yes, let me help you. So I really want to keep pushing with the podcast this year, the goal is to get to 100 episodes eventually. And if you want to be a guest as well just just reach out to me my emails in the show notes I'd love to have you on. And any feedback on how we can improve negative positive and don't worry if it's a negative thing. I'm trying to work on that. So I sort of need that in a way to try and make sure I can get better as a person. But really, if you do you have any suggestions, I really encourage you to just email me at Joel kleber@gmail.com or check in the show notes and stay tuned for part two of where I haven't been I think it's the second episode I'm going to put out in quick succession is quite hard for me to talk about. But I think it's something that's important and that you can relate to. And I do it in the hopes that he can help you so until next week, guys for next episode. Thanks for listening to the experience.