A podcast sharing stories of lived experience with mental illness

In today's solo episode, I talk about why I decided to reconnect with my father after 22 years of estrangement. I share this in the hope of passing on some hard lessons I learned and regrets.
I tell you my reasons why and why I didn't have anything to do with him for 22 years.

I also talk about the moment that changed it all. 

Everyone's situation is different, however, I hope you can take some insights away from today's episode and if I can do this, you can as well! 

If you would like to watch the video episode with slides you can via https://youtu.be/Ca8KHnYGMXw

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Joel Kleber:

Welcome to Live Experience podcast. I'm Joel Kleber. And on today's episode, this is a video episode, which is audio as well. So you're listening to that now as audio. But it's also on YouTube, you want to see the slides that are made with this episode. And I talk my way through it. And it's basically in total, why reconnected with my father after 22 years is the episode. So if anyone follows me online, I would have seen a picture recently with my dad, and a bit of a story about it due to curriculum. And so I couldn't go into too much detail about it. So this episode, I want to provide a lot of detail for you, the audience, and just look, the reason why I'm doing this is because it's not to share everything about me and all that sort of stuff. It's because if someone like me, can do this, anyone can do it. And I really truly mean that. And there's a lot of people in your lives, you might have fractured relationships, or things that are just stupid. And it just takes all this time in this vortex. And as time goes like this, you're stuck here worrying about things over here. So we're going to talk you through it. And hopefully you will learn something from it. As I said, if you are listening, you can watch this video, and it has slides as well with it. So let's get into it. And look, let's start with why we're strange. So on the screen here is a picture of myself and my mum in front of our house in Perth. Now, for those who don't know, my mom had bipolar disorder, one you know, and great mother, fantastic mother, I missed a lot. But um, you know, she was in and out of psychiatric wards and didn't manage her condition too well. And my dad, rather than taking the responsibility of looking after her, he created a lot of headaches. So I remember when they were home all the time, there was this massive fights all the time, huge fights. And it eventually led to him getting a job because he couldn't handle with it in Saudi Arabia. So basically, he got to, he got a job with Saudi in Saudi Arabia, during the mobile telephone networks for the for the king at the time, and basically just came back two weeks a year to play dad. So he's over there, choosing his job, to Galavan, around Saudi Arabia, and he's left myself and my youngest sister and with my mum. And, you know, for me, that was very negligent in itself, because, you know, he knew what my mom's condition was. And when she got really unwell, it was not good. But saying that she was well most of the time. So it wasn't a overly a big concern for us. But when she got unwell, but she did go to the psychiatric ward quite often. That was the one in Perth Greenland's at the time. And also, when she came back to one in the one one as well. So he knew about that, but he still chose to go for the job over the family, which there are reasons which are no why now, which I'm going to tell you at the end. But at the time, it was very hard to reconcile. And the what was even worse is that when she went into psychiatric wards, because she was unwell because she was high and manic. He knew we were in foster care. So he was over in Saudi Arabia or didn't want to leave his job and decided to have us these kids be put into foster care, so he could continue working. And you know, and to his credit, he did send a little bit of money to the people who were looking after us that, um, you know, pretty much at the time, we felt like he abandoned us. So yeah, mom's in a psychiatric ward, no unexplained, whatever was going on. Like it never said to us, it wouldn't be like what it was now, if it was like it what it was now I'm sure we get a lot more care and explanation to us. But we didn't. So, you know, it was very hard for us to reconcile that whilst mum was in hospital and well being in three months at a time or more, that he would not come back and look after us. So it's very, very hard from a trust perspective. And then from then on, when he didn't come back that first time, knowing where we were, you know, for me was sort of just the like it aligned through him. So yeah, as I said, very hard to reconcile as a child. And it still is that this is part of the reason why I haven't spoken in body and reconnecting for a very long time was because as I said, I'm not a father yet. But you can imagine if I was and this sort of thing happened. And I was in his position, I would have, as I said to him, I would have taken a job and McDonald's with brickies labor or whatever it was so so I could look after my kids. And that's my responsibility he chose not to for other reasons, which I'm going to talk about in a minute. So very hard to reconcile. So something I'm slowly getting over with, but the problem with this sort of stuff. And I was listening to a book by Gable, I think his name is Matt Shea. And there's so much stuff that goes back to childhood trauma. And a lot of people say, oh, you know, get everyone's this and that and get over a bit like, it forms who you are. There's no two ways about it. So for me, having my dad abandoned us and not come back and look after us did affect me, it affected a lot of behaviors, the way I act, a lot of my personality traits that I have now have come back from that moment. So it is something that series and people don't resolve it and it turns into issues like behavior, alcoholism, drugs, together, whatever it is, right. So this these sort of actions, right. They do have a lasting and long effect on you And you know, there is a lot of these people who don't understand mental health, mental illness or just thinking I toughen up or get over it. Well, you know, end of the day, these traumas, everything is trauma based, really, and these traumas that happen to people at a young age, adulthood, whatever, they really do affect your life. And it's not just as simple as putting a compartment in your brain and putting it to the side, because people do that, that's fine, but it will come out and other ways you certainly did for me. But that's something that really stuck with me really hurt me. And it does, even now looking to see exactly the behaviors. But there are ways that I act in life, that this is not bad things, but they're just certain, you know, not as a risk taker in terms of my profession, and doing what I really want to do. Because I'm, you know, be a trusted all this sort of stuff. So it doesn't affect you. But I'm trying to say. So, what basically changed? Well, you know, that made his choice. He was over there, trying to earn money to send back to my mum, who would not spend it properly. And basically, we ended up losing the house, I think, when will when I was 12, or 13, really, really nice house worth a fortune, and we sort of a very cheap back then. And because he just didn't want to invest the relationship anymore. He had a good life over there. We were sort of, I guess, the after thought, or the nuisance where you had to keep sending money via obligation and eventually cut it off. But what happened was, was pretty brutal, it's pretty simple. When my mom passed away, in the seventh of February 2022, I was there with her by her bed every day, this is during COVID as well. So some days, they tried to lock me out, but I got my way in, in the full mass and all that sort of stuff. But you know, for four weeks when she was made palliative, you know, I was there with her every day. And I was sitting there the whole time and thinking about well, you know, why is this responsibility fallen on me, you know, this is, it's not a burden, it was definitely not a burden, the best gift I could have given my mom was my was was time. And you know, her, her life was very successful to me, because there's a lot of rich people and older people who might have all the things in the world, but they die alone, or they don't die with anyone around them. Where's where worth my mom, she had a large amount of fun with it every day, there was always something happening, and she had people there. And she knew that everyone loved her. And that, to me is a successful and wealthy life. But, you know, when I was there, I had a lot of time to think. And, you know, it was very hard as well, you know, he knew what was going on. At the time. I don't know if was via me, but it might have been by someone else. And you know, I don't think I think you've maybe reached out and he sort of went on a bit of a diatribe via text message about you know, this bloody AECT I should never have let them do AECT on your Mama knows they should have done this. And that's all if that was the case, you should just stay. So you know, I sort of have a bit of blame, even towards these conditions, she's got you, which I'm going to go to the next slide here. So she developed a condition called PSP, which is progressive Supranuclear palsy, this coming out of the blue, Google, I'm not gonna I'm not a doctor, I'm not going to go into it too much. But it presents his Parkinson's. And it's a very, very insidious disease. I think she's had it for three years, they thought, but she got diagnosed with it six months prior. So we can all work out what's going on with her. And then, you know, basically was a really quick decline from there. And the problem with this is over the three years, she was declining it because it COVID couldn't see her. So she was in a nursing home and horrible. I couldn't go and see her. So I didn't know how bad it was. And then once we worked out what was going on, it was sort of like cool, go down every weekend and see as much as I can. And then towards the end, I was there every day for four weeks by the bedside and was a horrible condition, you know, PSP, Parkinson's, or Parkinson's, or whatever it's called. It's very, it's very much the hardest thing I've had to been. So you know, she went from being a very active lady walking around a very, very active social life to basically what you see here, and there is why I took this picture is not because it's being morbid or anything, just because I want to show you want to do more of this stuff about this condition. What happens in it's a very, very sad thing. There's not much resources online about it. But it was very, very tough. So the toughest thing I've been through, but as I said, the best thing you can do if you're ever in a position, let's say with palliative care. It's not about you, it's about the person. So a lot of times people go to me, oh, you know, I can't see your mom like this. Well, it's not about if you can't see it, it's about your strength to be there for that person because you're doing it for them. You're not doing it for yourself. So palliative care, I think is a really underfunded and under recognized area. You know, and the understanding and caring from the nurses was fantastic. But yeah, it's definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. But this condition, PSP look, the neuro the neuro scientist or surgeon whoever was at the time, basically didn't know my mom's history, which they are outstanding is permitted mind boggles my mind. So after filling me my mom's history, for whatever reason, didn't have it. And I had to fill him in about her bipolar disorder, you know, use of logic, convulsive therapy and medications and stuff he said That will definitely contributed to the atrophy of the brain. So, you know, when my dad says to me, Well, you know, these bloody doctors with eects, that was like, Well, you could have done something to stop and you didn't. So I had this going on, or this time, I'll solve this thing. I'm copying messages and stuff about this sort of thing. So it was very, very hard and conflicting from both sides. Now, within six months of the diagnosis, she passed away, unfortunately, as I said, you know, anyone who loses a parent will know, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through. And I don't wish it on anyone, to be honest. It's inevitable. But it was the hardest thing I went through. And as I said, it's very challenging time, you know, during lockdown, she had this condition, which we didn't know doesn't present, like something that you're going to know straight away. So she slowly deteriorated over time, you know, random falls and things like that. But yeah, then after, you know, things started started getting really serious when we saw her wasting away and losing her mobility, which is very tough. But yeah, I wish I just had that time a lot of people during the lockdown didn't have that time. But that was really, really tough. It was really challenging for her as well. She's in a nursing home. She's very social still. But um, you know, we spoke on the phone every day, pretty much but I'm very, very challenging time. Now, also, I was her carer as well. So I had to make a large amount of tough decisions. given example, her goal, she kept going into hospital before she passed away. And you know, the doctors wanted to give her some some surgeons wanted to give her some surgery for a gallbladder that kept gallbladder get kept getting infected now, very serious stuff. And I didn't know they'd call me up and say, What are you want to do? So these sorts of decisions fell to me, there wasn't overly much support from anyone in making those decisions. But in saying that I had a really good girlfriend who's a nurse, who would go through things with me, and also some family members as well. But I didn't have any support from my father at the time. He knew about everything was going on. And I'll go to palliative care a bit still, look, there is no handbook when it comes to palliative care. Hardest thing I've definitely done has been there to support someone during that time. But as I said, it's the biggest gift you can give to someone, if you're going to a dying relative or whatever. Just being there and going there is really, really important. And as I said, I heard this comment a few times about our it's hard for me to see thing like this was not about type you tough. Everyone else involved, it's about the person. So the person who has the the condition, or the illness is the priority. So you're gonna put your feelings aside from them. Now, as I said, My dad knew about this still no real support, you know, besides a couple of messages about you know, she just stopped DCT. And all these buddy doctors and blaming the health system, all this sort of stuff, which is just excuses. But what happened for me was basically when mum passed away on the seventh of the second 22nd, I'll never forget that day. biggest amount of pain I felt in my life, it's hard to describe, I don't think I'll ever feel a pain like that, again, it's the worst thing I've ever felt. And if you've lost a parent or loved one, I'm sure you can imagine it. But in relation to my dad, all my hate vanished. So I don't know why. But what happened was, when my mom passed away, you realize, oh, I've only got one parent now pretty quickly, right? So that relationship was obviously fractured. And it's something that I didn't want to keep fractured. Because you know, when you're faced with with death, and you sit next to someone who's dying every day, you realize how short life is. And I'm not going to go into the the typical stuff that you hear about it, but for me are sort of like well, penny drops and silverline drops in the sand. I've got one parent, it's on me to fix this, if possible. So losing a parent, as I said, changes, you changed me pretty much within that day. My my anger and my hate towards him vanished. And I didn't want to die wondering as well. So my dad was bit of a man of mystery, I had a lot of gaps in my knowledge about myself and about my half of that family. So my mom's side was one of 11 really good people. And I know all about that side, I had no idea that my dad's side. So want to know more a bit about it. So from a point of view, it was bit more selfish, I guess, to reach out to him. But I just thought as well, you know, you're 77 I just didn't want him to pass away information. And I have any answers. So I started being active with poker with communication. So for me, I've tried speaking to him in the past when I was very young, and I was very hot headed. And I used to threaten him and all this sort of stuff, you know, if I see you're going, I'm going to do this and all that sort of stuff, right? Not stuff that I'm proud of. But that's how I felt at the time. So the way I dealt with him is I'd email and I would send that WhatsApp messages. And then once I read the replies and read too much into him, you know, I sort of then made the decision to call him then I called him for a bit and just sort of be proactive with it and stuff like that. I may let him know that if you want to call me anytime you can call me. So that was my invitation for him to call me. When he's saying that he didn't really call me he'd always wait for me to call him first which Should I understand why because I was not very nice to him when I've called him previously. So this was a long, long, long time ago. So imagine you have a bit of a sore taste in his mouth, and maybe the best thing you thought for me was just to leave me alone. And also, I had expectations of how this whole thing was gonna go. So in your head, you have scenarios that are built up, like you know, might be, how's your first day of work gonna go, or, as his first date gonna go, whatever it is. So I had expectations of how my interactions with my father, were gonna go on the phone, I have all these things planned. And then as soon as I found out, that was a bad idea. As soon as I tried to be real patients and stuff on the phone, I found myself, you know, finding a lot of the stuff he said was very hard to not react to. So a lot of excuses, no apology, none of this. But as I said, this was all my expectations there my expectations of how the interaction could should go, rather than just treating the interaction as an interaction, and nothing more. What I found real hard, and what I something I'm trying to do more now is really practice empathy. And everyone says, practicing empathy. But for me, it was extremely hard to do with a person who walked out on his family, and left them with a mother with a serious mental illness who was in a psychiatric ward. So for me, what excuse do you have? Or how can I put myself in your position where I would think about doing the same thing and leaving the situation. So I tried that a bit. And I came to a few conclusions. And, and one of the main conclusions was, my mum was not easy to live with. Now, she's a great mother, she was really, really good. She was brilliant mother to me. But when she went manic, or there could be time, which is very, very difficult. So you know, you're in a relationship with someone, and you've got two young kids and you've got a mother with bipolar disorder, he doesn't really do well, to maintain her condition or things, she's even got a mental illness, which is most of the time. So you would have been very frustrating for him, which is why I can see when the job opportunity came up to go to Saudi Arabia, and really good money more than what he was doing in WA at the time, he did it. And he still saw him saw himself as fulfilling his obligations, because he was sending money back every month. So sort of good in a way as well, because when he was around, he was him. And my mom would fight all the time. So one of the better from that point of view, I sort of found myself being a lot more patient and not going to anger so quick. But then things changed when I started making contact back with him. Give an example, my mum's had a funeral on, we had to organize it all that was very, very tough. That was very, very tough to do that. You know, but we organized the live stream for an $800 or $700, where it was in the out of pocket, funeral expenses were covered by myself, and my sister, and he didn't offer to pay anything, you do not want to come over. And he watched the live stream off the eulogy. And the first thing he says to me was you speak too quick. And he criticized my way I spoke at the funeral and my eulogy. So the eulogy was something that I've said it a few times, that was very, very hard to do, it was one of the hardest things I've had to do as well. I spent a lot of time with it. And I thought I did a good job. People told me I did a good job. It's not, it's not very often that someone's going to tell you, you did a bad job at a eulogy. But he did. So you know, you make this progress by making contact and calling him and then you get something like that. It's very, very hard to keep you cool. I got really, really pissed off, I'm not gonna lie to you, I got real angry, and I thought stuff, you know, I'm just gonna cut you off. That's it done. But what I'd had to do is I had to try and look at it objectively. And I had a crack at him back in the message. And then he would go to me on don't take it personal, don't warm, like Well hang on, but over the line a little bit out. So that put things back a bit. But what I tried to start learning is look 77 years old, this person is not going to change. They're not someone who's he's malleable, and I'm going to change over sudden who they are, you know, leopard can't change their spots. And that's the same for a reason. So I just had to work with it. Look, he's gonna say things to annoy me and bite me and drag me back into motions I've got from over here. And I can't do that. So if I want to progress the relationship forward, I've just got to literally not listen to it, don't engage, and move forward, no matter how much he hates me. And the thing is, he wasn't biting me deliberately just the way he is. He's emotionally very stunted. Very cold. So it was not something where he meant to do it. It was just the way he is. And that's the thing accept people for what they are. Don't have expectations sometimes and just in the interaction, you can be there as much as you want or not. So I could put myself in interaction by not reading the messages or not responding. If I put myself back in the interaction. I could call that person or I could respond back to him. So that's how I did it. But as I said, I'm a human, I got my blood boiling a few times with some of the stuff that was coming out of it. But look over time, as we progressed, it took time, time does heal some wounds. But um, you know, I got a lot of answers to questions. And I started, even though even though I didn't like some of the answers I got I, as I said to you, I found it very hard to accept that he would go and leave his two kids with with a mother with a with a mental serious mental health condition, he didn't manage it properly, because of money, right? So for me, you would have done whatever it could be to make money to survive over here, which he could have done. But he chose the other, the other, more glamorous route. But I've got a lot of the answers to the questions that I needed, if he passed away. And I didn't ask those questions, I would have a lot about myself that I wouldn't know about his side of the family and, and all these other things. Excuse me. So I was very, really glad I did that. Now, look, what happened is as we progressed through the relationship, so my mom passed in February, and we talked on and off, until we talk till still now but before Christmas, look, we're we're talking and talking, I'll let him use the discount. He's big man. It's about politics, and all that sort of stuff. You know, and I thought, Look, this guy's got nothing, he lives in the middle of nowhere in Perth. I don't know what he does it only if you've got any friends or anything like that. So I said, why not invite him over? For Christmas, we just bought a new house. Because the show on the new house, and that, you know, despite him not being there that I did, ended up doing a right in life. So I invited him over. And, you know, it wasn't as a same thing, when he came over, I expected he was going to be certain way he was going to apologize to me grow at my feet, and you know, be overly nice to me and all that sort of stuff. And it just didn't happen. So what I had to do as well, as I said, he's not put any expectations on any interactions, I just treat it for who they are. And naturally, things happen. And as they do. So here's a picture of him here, if it comes up, cool. So there's a picture of him there, he's 77 years old, and he says in horrible, so we went no one for Christmas, I'm gonna have anymore and all those things that were done in said, by him that really, really got my blood boiling. But I let him go, because that's just look, this is the way he is. And that's not what it's about. So sometimes you just have to put your expectations aside, and just deal with things as they come. And sometimes people just can't change and change. But what you can control and what you can change is yourself, and how you react to these sorts of things. As I said, expectations of people don't have them, you know, might sound like a very negative thing to say. But in this situation on this one, you've had a an absentee parent, just don't build them up to be something that they're not deal with them as they are, or you will get disappointed. And as I said, I'd really, really had to practice patience. You know, all the things that you said, you know, these little things and these things like that. And it was very, very, very, very frustrating. But I'm not someone who meditates at the moment anymore. I used to be, but I can see why people do it. But it was something that I'm really glad I did. And I think if you don't have any expectations of that person, you'll be better for it now in regards to how my life has improved, so why would you go and do this? Well, I could have had no interaction with him. I could have hold anger and resentment to him. And then he passed away. And then maybe that anger goes but I think a lot of regret would be there. Because regards what, what he wasn't around, I would have so many questions. And I would be kicking myself for not trying now, if I tried to be this thing, and he didn't want to be a part of my life or whatever, that's fine. I list I've tried, I'm not going to regret trying. And then I might have that angle back again. But I'm not going to regret not trying what you don't want as you don't want regrets with these sorts of things in because what happens is you have all these, you have this so this this is time, right? Then you have this vortex here, right? So I'm still stuck here and time's going like this, and you're getting it way and I why we you want to move out of there. So that quite often or not, you've got to be proactive. The one thing I think we're not enough as people is being proactive and having an ego pull us back to thinking well, that person is on the wrong by me. They need to come and apologize to me. They're the ones who need to make the effort. If you think like that, and that's the way I thought you'll get nowhere. The person won't do it. And you'll be very disappointed. And who knows. 20 years goes by 30 years go by and you've got all this time that's gone. And you get to the end and go oh geez, I wish I was productive. That's what I didn't want to happen. And quite frankly, I've wasted probably, you know, why is it 22 years really not trying to have a father in part of my life and that's quite frankly my choice and it took me 22 years to learn a lesson Hopefully you don't have to do that. But in regards to my actual myself, it's definitely made me a lot more calm and feel more complete. As I said, I have a really good understanding of my mom's side of the family. But not his side. Actually, no, you know, Where was he born? And what's their background? And what's our nationality? Have the guests in the comments if you want was really good. And a lot of answers about his his parents and lineage and stuff like that. I had no idea. It was very interesting to hear about his career history. And when you go through it, you know, I had I play guitar, right? So I'm gonna pull this guitar up, and you can't hear on the podcast, but on the video, so I played my guitar and was now and he's really musical in my family at all. And I said, my, my granddad, my granddad, my dad's dad actually had a violent storm as a musician. So I had no idea about that. So these are the things where I learned I wouldn't have known if I didn't take take the action with it. And it also feel more calm. You know, I'm not gonna lie a lot of anger and resentment towards him. And sometimes I've been told people used to give me a, you know, you got a chip on your shoulder, always very negative. Well, if you don't know my story, yeah, for sure. But if you knew my story, you probably gonna be I'd be like that, too. So yeah, I'm definitely a lot more calm, I've not as quick to jump to anger. And I'm really glad that I've got that part of my life, which was missing, sorted. And I didn't have to go to a psychologist or whatever, to get the advice to do it. I just had to do it. I just had to make the heart action and do it and it does suck. You know, as I said, your ego will want to pull you back and say, they're the one who did the wrong by you. Why are you being proactive? And why are you the one making all the effort, why you don't have to do it, they have to do it. But as I said, if you expect the other person to make amends, first, you're going to be waiting for a long time, and the opportunity is going to go So be proactive, take action, and you'll be better for it. Now look, the lessons you can learn, or hopefully you've been picking up some things from it. But look, the main one I want to get across is if I can you can, you know, look, I'm not some bastion of personal development guru, nothing like that. I'm just done. You know, a child of a mother who had serious mental illness and, you know, a bit of hardship and adversity, like a lot of people have in their lives. And I think just the normal average, I was the punter. So if I can do it, and actually come, my fuckhead, come to the realization, that's me holding myself back from better things in life, which they were in the situation, you can do it. So there'll be situations in your life where someone's wronged you, or the worker, friend or lost connection, and you've lost all this time. Because, you know, you don't want to be proactive, and you think they're going to come and fix the situation. And your ego says, Well, you shouldn't have to fix the situation. Don't be like that, be proactive, no matter what they've done to you. If the interaction doesn't go the way you want it, or you don't get what you expected, that's fine, you won't regret it. If you don't do it, you'll have regrets. Now, empathy as well, practicing empathy. Look, I think, on your empathy was before but I really practice it with him, looked at the situation on his side, I understand why he left. I don't agree with it, you don't have to agree with it. But I do have some sort of sense of really looking from his side of it, of how hard the situation was in and, you know, having conversations with him now. You know, he said he basically didn't apologize to me, but he said he regretted going to Saudi Arabia, which is what he basically apology, I guess, but he said he regrets it. So that was good enough for me. No expectations is the other thing, don't have expectations of the interaction, don't build it up in your head before you do it. If it doesn't go that way, you'll be disappointed and you won't be pissed off. I recommend writing down some things you want to say to that person or just saying don't get too worked up by the other person as well. If you have expectations often you're going to be disappointed in my opinion. If they everything you if it goes everywhere you want to go fantastic. But if it doesn't, you won't be disappointed. Now this is the probably the biggest one that held me back and holds us back in a lot of things. And that is your ego. Like as I said, this this guy's done everything wrong to me. Yet, I'm the one who's expected to come to Him and be proactive and and be inviting to him and forgive him and stuff like that. So your ego and your my stubbornness said no, no, he should be the one coming to me. But that never happened. So I had to be proactive about it. So take your ego out of it. It's just it's there to protect you, I guess in a way because there's this you know, this person's hurt you or wronged you and your ego is trying to protect you from being hurt or wronged again. But that's not progress. And that's just going to hold you back. So get the ego out of it and be proactive. And this is the one the big one. Be proactive no matter how right you are. That goes for anything in life. Work, friends, relationships, whatever it is. Be proactive no matter how right you think you are. Because if you're not, things can dwell and grow and you can lose a lot of time like I did. learn from their mistakes as well. So if you're dealing with someone who who maybe was not the best individual to you, though, would have made a lot of mistakes which you can learn from. So for me, he was an absentee father, I can tell you that right now, if I'm a father, it'd be that privilege because I think it's a privilege, I won't be absentee, no matter what happens. So I've learned from those mistakes and how damaging it can be to, to a child and to a young person. So for me, no matter what happens, you know, hopefully, my parents stay together for a while for a long time for a long time. But if something happened, I would, I would definitely be there, I'm not going to run away. So that's the lesson I've mainly taken from it, and how impactful a father can be on their child, it can be really, it's a really important role. You know, in the outcomes for kids who don't have fathers is always worse than, you know, two parent households. So I'm definitely you know, that's something I'm looking forward to, and gonna definitely put a lot of pride into. And being with someone who has bipolar is very hard. So look, you know, people who have bipolar disorder, you know, a normal for me, you know, my mom had bipolar, so she's a great mother, she was an awesome person. But when she got unwell, she got really unwell. And it's very hard to be around. And that was my situation, not saying this is for everyone, don't get me I've got bipolar disorder. I'm not like this, and blah, blah, blah, I've had that happen to me a few times before. This is just my story. And I'm sharing it from my perspective, and from my mum, when she got manic and high was, was very, very difficult, very, very hard to bring it down. So it wouldn't have been a good situation for a loved one to do it. I've got a lot of respect for people who have a partner with a mental health challenge, and they support him with it, I think it's really truly a remarkable thing. And they do a lot of great work in the community. And, again, no recognition in Mental Health Awareness movement. Unfortunately, the partners of people with mental mental illness and mental health conditions, you know, I applaud you, it's very, very tough. But look, you know, my dad, rather than sticking it out, he knew how hard it was, he sort of chose an easier route. And that's the way he did it. And that's fine. And I can't blame him for it, because she was great mother loves her very much, but it could be very difficult at times. And, you know, and that's where the resentment came as well, you know, the burden filter me notice kid and you're treating me almost like a guest, like a husband at times regarding responsibilities and stuff. So, you know, I had a lot of resentment, because he sort of left me with the burden of responsibility in terms of emotional support, especially. So, but as I said, I've forgiven all that, and then that's moved on. And look, the other one I haven't got on here, but I think this is the most important one. And I'm going to literally, if I'm allowed to type it right now I'm gonna type it, I'm gonna type it on the screen. So you know, this is live. And this is one taking no editing. But it's forgiveness. For those out there right. Now, forgiveness to me, Look, it's generally associated with religions, or Christians or Catholics, or whatever your religious dominate denomination is, but forgiveness for me, like it just gives you so much power back. You know, he had this power or that situation of his power over me with anger and hate. And as soon as I decided to forgive him, it just this wave of emotion went away from me and this anger and just made my life better. It's just literally a decision like that. So forgiving people to do the wrong thing by you, is really, really important. As I said, my ego, my stubbornness, sometimes we like, stuff this person, like, they done the wrong thing by me and just had this bitterness, anger to him. But that power of forgiveness, you know, look, I think it's a Christian virtue, or whatever it is, but it's no joke. And it really works. So forgive those who have done the wrong thing by you move on with your life, and you'd be far happier for it. And to me, that was definitely a bit of a bit of a realization and something I need to practice a lot more with a lot of different things. Now, look, thank you very much for listening to the end of this and you've watched the final, if you watch up to this on YouTube, thank you very much. I'll do this in one take. I don't edit it because, you know, I think there's some sort of authenticity you lose when you edit it. You know, obviously, production quality might not be his best, but I think you're hearing my thoughts as they are more centering anything. And you can hear it as is media, watch the video. I really do appreciate it. If you did listen to the podcast, please make sure you leave a rating and review. If you do want to be a guest on the show, go to lived experience. podcast.com I'd love to have you on. I've got two I think three new interviews coming up this week. I'm looking forward to releasing them. And if you've watched them, listen to the end. Thank you very much. And until the next episode. I hope you have a great week.